Sex Addiction | Love Addiction

What is Sex Addiction?

You may have heard one or more of the following terms used to describe a pattern of sexual behavior that is out of control: sex addiction, compulsive sexual behavior, hyper-sexuality, problematic sexual behavior, and similar terms. Although there is some disagreement among professionals in the field as to what term should be used to describe this issue, there is widespread consensus that a certain percentage of people struggle with sexual behavior that worsens over time, has a negative impact on their lives, and makes them feel as though they have no control over it.

An individual can be addicted to sexual activity regardless of their gender or the particular sexual behaviors or practices they engage in. Rather, sexual addiction refers to the compulsive pursuit and use of sexual activity in any form it may take. The act of sexuality becomes divorced from other intimate experiences, such as relationships, pleasure, and enjoyment. Instead, sexual activity is centered on the high of arousal, the medication of feelings, an attempt to meet unspoken needs, or the acting out of problems that have not been resolved.

The following are some of the answers to the questions that are asked the most frequently regarding sexual addiction. For further information, please go to www.sexhelp.com.

An individual is considered to have a sexual addiction if they engage in any sexually related compulsive behavior that disrupts their normal life and causes severe stress on their family, friends, loved ones, and the environment in which they work.

The condition known as sexual addiction also goes by the names of sexual dependency and sexual compulsivity. Regardless of what you call it, it is a compulsive behavior that completely takes over the life of the addict. A person who is addicted to sex makes having sex a priority, elevating it above having a family, friends, or a job. These individuals are willing to forego the things they value the most in order to protect and maintain their unhealthy behavior.

There is not a single pattern of behavior that perfectly exemplifies sexual addiction. Compulsive masturbation, anonymous sex, pornography, prostitution, exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent phone calls, massage parlors, strip clubs, and, in the most extreme cases, child molestation, incest, rape, and violence are some of the behaviors that addicts engage in when their habits have taken control of their lives and become unmanageable

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Which patterns of behavior might be indicative of a pattern of sexually addictive behavior?

The following patterns of behavior may indicate the presence of sexual addiction, though a professional in the field of mental health should be consulted in order to make a definitive diagnosis of sexual addiction. Anyone who recognizes even one of these recurring themes in their own life or in the life of someone they care about should seek the assistance of a trained professional.

“Acting out” – A pattern of out-of-control sexual behavior

1. Experiencing severe consequences due to sexual behavior and an inability to stop despite these adverse consequences including loss of partner or spouse, severe marital or relationship problems, loss of career opportunities, unwanted pregnancies, suicide obsession and/or attempts, exposure to AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases and legal risks.

2. Persistent pursuit of self-destructive behavior

3. Ongoing desire or effort to limit sexual behavior

4. Sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy

5. Regularly increasing the amount of sexual experience because the current level of activity is no longer sufficiently satisfying

6. *Many sex addicts report “bingeing” to the point of emotional exhaustion. The emotional pain of withdrawal for sex addicts can parallel the physical pain experienced by those withdrawing from opiate addiction.

7. Severe mood changes related to sexual activity

8. Inordinate amounts of time spent obtaining sex, being sexual, and recovering from sexual experiences

9. Neglect of important social, occupational, and/or recreational activities because of sexual behavior

Partners and Spouses of Sex Addicts

Our one-of-a-kind perspective and strategy for addressing the effects of betrayal trauma on partners and spouses are two of the things that set us apart from other treatment centers and programs.

The traumatic effects of the addiction on the partner or spouse can be a very sad consequence of betrayal, deception, and infidelity in a relationship. In order for the partner or spouse to heal, they frequently require assistance and support from others. According to research done, the partners and spouses of people who are addicted to sex report experiencing the same traumatic symptoms and reactions as victims of sexual assault and rape.

These people frequently exhibit a number of the signs and symptoms of complex post-traumatic stress disorder, which impairs their capacity to function in day-to-day life and other settings. The majority of people who have experienced addiction report that the lies, secrets, and subsequently, broken trust that are associated with it are even more upsetting and painful than the sexual behavior itself. During the process of discovery, partners find out that the person in whom they placed the most trust had been leading a double life, frequently for a considerable amount of time. As a consequence, they go through a grieving process that is analogous to the one that people go through after the death of a loved one. This is because they come to terms with the fact that the relationship or marriage that they thought they had, has ended. They experience a loss of existential identity as a result of contradictions to core values and beliefs; to put it another way, everything that they thought to be true prior to finding out about the betrayal is no longer true. They feel as though their inner world has been shattered. As a result, many partners are left feeling completely disoriented and unable to make sense of the world. Furthermore, they are unable to trust their partner, the world, and ultimately themselves.

It is common for spouses or partners to experience embarrassment when discussing their addiction with friends or family members due to the fear of being judged or of being advised to end the relationship. They are afraid that other people will blame them for the addiction or think that they are responsible for it in some way. They could have the mistaken belief that the addiction is due to something they did or did not do in their lives. They could be afraid of the strong opinions of individuals who do not believe in sex addiction and label it as an excuse for bad behavior. Betrayed partners or spouses are often left without the necessary support to help them cope with their feelings of shock, anger, grief, and pain upon discovering the sex addiction or infidelity of their partner or spouse. Any one of these reasons could be to blame.

Traditionally, treatment for sexual addiction concentrated solely on the individual who was addicted to sexual activity, and the addict's spouse or partner received very little consideration.  More and more mental health professionals are beginning to provide services and resources that just a few years ago were in short supply and frequently unavailable.

We approach our work from a trauma perspective, with the primary goal being to restore a sense of safety following the initial shock of discovery. Work with individuals, couples, and groups is available, and when it is deemed necessary, we frequently collaborate with other professionals to formulate and implement treatment plans involving a multidisciplinary approach.

What is Love Addiction?

Love addicts are characterized by the fact that they devote an excessive amount of time and attention to the person to whom they are addicted. This focus on the addicted person frequently takes on an obsessive quality.

Love addicts have unreasonable expectations that the other person in the relationship will regard them in a positive and unconditional way at all times.

Love addicts put the other person ahead of themselves in terms of importance and care while they are in a relationship.

Love addicts have a pattern of engaging in behaviors that are out of their control and compulsive, and they are unable to break this pattern without outside help.

When the person to whom they are addicted departs from their lives, those who are addicted to love go through withdrawal and/or experience intense emotional pain.

There are a lot of different manifestations of love addiction. Some people who are addicted to love have a burning desire for people who are unavailable. When they're in love, some people who are addicted to love become obsessive. Some people who are addicted to love become dependent on the euphoric effects of romantic relationships. Some people are unable to break free of unhealthy relationships no matter how miserable, depressed, lonely, neglected, or in danger they feel. Love addicts can fall into one of two categories: codependents and narcissists. Some people with a love addiction turn to sexual activity as a means of emotion regulation, while others suffer from sexual anorexia. Love addicts share a common experience in which they feel powerless to control their distorted thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relation to love, fantasies, and relationships. This is the defining characteristic of a love addict. The mind of someone who is addicted to love is dominated by thoughts of mistrust, shame, anger, rejection, and abandonment.

A love addict is someone who is dependent on, entangled with, and compulsively focused on taking care of another person. Pia Mellody, author of the book Facing Love Addiction, offers this definition of a love addict. She views love addiction as an unconscious drive that compels a person to look to others for "fixing" and for relief from intolerable feelings of loneliness and despair. This unconscious drive causes the love addict to look to others. A person who is addicted to love uses romantic and sexual arousal as a means of emotional regulation and fantasy as a means of medicating their anxiety in the same way that someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol uses alcohol or drugs to self-soothe and avoid painful feelings.

Love addicts are unconsciously driven by an all-consuming fear of being abandoned, and as a result, they are willing to put up with almost anything and tolerate almost any behavior in order to avoid being abandoned. The irony is that love addicts want to connect with another person so desperately, but their approach to relationships is often so intense and demanding that their partners often describe their experience with the addict as enmeshment, rather than as healthy intimacy. This is despite the fact that love addicts want to connect with another person so desperately. Love addicts have never learned how to be intimate in a healthy way because they did not have enough positive experiences with intimacy when they were children. Despite the fact that they have a genuine desire to experience love and connection as adults, their crippling fear of being abandoned prevents them from being able to do so. When they have reached a certain level of intimacy with a partner, they frequently experience a sense of dread and feel the need to do something that will put more space between themselves and their partners. These two phobias, of being left alone and of being too close to someone, bring up the agonizing and self-defeating conundrum that the love addict faces. They have a conscious desire for intimacy, but they are unable to tolerate healthy closeness, so they must unconsciously choose a partner who is unable to be intimate in a healthy way. They are usually drawn to people who avoid love.

Characteristics of Someone Who Avoids Love

People who avoid love create intensity in their lives through activities (typically addictions) that take their attention away from the relationship in which they are involved.

Love-avoidants try to keep a low profile in their relationships so that they can avoid being engulfed by their partners' affections and being controlled by them.

Love Avoidants steer clear of close physical contact with their partners by erecting emotional barriers between themselves and their intimate partners.

Love avoidance can result from one or both parents engaging in enmeshment. Enmeshment happens when a parent does not have clear boundaries, does not establish appropriate limits, and relies on the child to fulfill his or her own requirements. Children who are entangled and whose "job" it is to take care of a parent learn that their value is derived from providing assistance to those who are in need. They learn to suppress their natural sense of spontaneity, redirect their attention to the demanding parent or caregiver, and pursue happiness for themselves by making the happiness of others a priority over their own needs. In point of fact, they frequently do not even get the opportunity to find out what brings them joy. They never find their way and never develop a sense of their own inherent value. As an adult, the love avoidant builds their sense of self-worth by tending to the needs of others. They conflate love with obligation or duty, and they find it intolerable to be vulnerable in a relationship with another person. They interpret being loved as feeling like they are being suffocated, and as a result, they put up barriers and increase the level of intensity in relationships.